Well, it's been a long time since I made an 'obnoxious list' post. I don’t know why it took me this long to write a Harry Potter vs. Twilight blog... But come on, you all knew it was inevitable. And with Eclipse and the trailer for Deathly Hallows both being released this week, this is the perfect time to tell everyone
WHY HARRY POTTER IS BETTER THAN TWILIGHT

So for a long while now, I’ve had this theory that facebook is the antichrist and/or the “mark of the beast.” Tonight, I decided to investigate my theory further, and what I have found may shock you. Prepare yourselves for the epiphany of a lifetime.

First of all, my initial theory stemmed from the verse in Revelations that says the antichrist will require everyone to get the “mark of the beast”:

He causes all, both small and great, rich and poor, free and slave, to receive a mark on their right hand or on their foreheads. [Revelations 13:16]

Well, facebook is something pretty much EVERYONE has nowadays, right?! People small and great, rich and poor, etc. etc., we *all* have facebooks! Even the homeless people in SF have facebooks, they just go to the public library to use the computers. I would say facebook profile pictures are a pretty significant “mark,” aka means of distinction in today’s technology-infused society. And if you want to take it even further, most of us do show our foreheads in our profile pictures... [Hey, people have been twisting the bible to suit their own needs ever since, like, the beginning of time, so I'm gonna do it, too ;)]

Then I also found this little beauty of a bible verse:

And that no man might buy or sell, save he that had the Mark." [Revelation 13:18]

Now most people are thinking these days that the Mark will be some sort of nano-chip or whatnot, but there is one Mark that is related directly to facebook, one Mark that no one but me is enough of a sick and twisted conspiracy theorist to have thought of. I speak, of course, of facebook founder Mark Zuckerburg. What if in the future no one will be able to buy or sell unless they have facebook, which was created by "the Mark"?!? DUN DUN DUNNNNNNN.

I’m currently computing numerous, exhaustingly complicated algorithms in order to  figure out how the words “Mark Zuckerburg”, “facebook”, “facebook.com”, “thefacebook”, or “facemash” (facebook’s original names) can be related back to the number 666. However, until I finish calculating my algorithms, I’m going to go through several characteristics of the antichrist and hopefully convince you all that facebook is the beast the world has been waiting for.

1. He comes from among ten kings in the restored Roman Empire; his authority will have similarities to the ancient Babylonians, Persians, and Greeks [Daniel 7:24; Rev 13:2 / Daniel 7:7]. Mark Zuckerburg didn’t create facebook on his own. According to Wikipedia, he had help from three other Harvard classmates. He was also sued by Cameron and Tyler Winklevoss (lol, Winklevoss) for “stealing their idea.” That makes 6. And I bet there were four more people involved that Wikipedia isn’t telling me about, because we all know that "Wikipedia is not a reliable, legitimate source" (at least, not according to teachers and college professors, minus Mr. Derksen), and that would make TEN founders, aka KINGS of facebook. Now, someone just tell me how the setup of facebook is similar to that of the ancient Babylonians, Persians, and Greeks, and we’re all set.

2. He will rise from obscurity…a “little horn” [Daniel 7:8] This totally works because of course there was a time when facebook was just an obscure little social networking site only meant for college students. (What an idyllic time that must have been…)

3. He will speak boastfully [Daniel 7:8; Rev 13:5] “Thanks to all of these efforts, our business is doing really well, and we’re on track to create a nice self-sustaining business, and because of this, a lot of companies and firms have approached us about investing in the company.” –Mark Zuckerburg, May 27^th, 2009. Gawd, Mark, stop boasting about how your business is doing so well and all these different companies are all over you all the time, you antichrist!!!

4. He will blaspheme God, [Daniel 7:25; 11:36; Rev 13:5] slandering His Name, dwelling place, and departed Christians and Old Testament saints [Rev 13:6] CLICK HERE TO SEE FACEBOOK BLASPHEME GOD.

5. He will oppress the saints and be successful for 3 ½ years [Daniel 7:25; Rev 13:7] I don’t know about you, but I often feel pretty saint-like, AND I often feel oppressed by facebook. For example, today I tried to upload pictures from my trip to Golden Gate Park with Penny and Jacob. Did I succeed? NO, because frikin FACEBOOK was OPRESSING me with it’s FAILURE of a photo uploader!!! Also, depending on what year you consider was the start of facebook’s major success (I would say it was either 2006 or 2007. I guess one could make arguments for 2008 or 9 also, since those are the years when people on opposite ends of the age spectrum [aka old people and, like, sixth graders] started to join so that *everyone* had facebook) we have about six months to a year and a half to wait until facebook’s 3 ½ years of successfulness are up… And then it’s going down. (The apocalypse, I mean).

6. He will try to change the calendar, perhaps to define a new era, related to himself [Daniel 7:25] I have a sub-theory that in Hebrew the words for “calendar” and “interface” are really similar and the dude who translated the bible got them mixed up. If my sub-theory proves true, clicking here will show you how facebook has changed its interface over the years, thereby “defining new eras related to itself.” Really, I’d say that time in the last several years can easily be divided up into good eras (times when the facebook interface was perfectly fine and/or moderately acceptable) and bad eras (times when you wanted to smack a bitch because those mofos decided to eff up the interface again and you’re pretty sure they did it for no other reason to laugh at your confusion as you struggled to make sense of the new shizz they came up with). I’d say we just left a “bad” era and we’re now in a “good” era (despite the oppression we are all facing from the current photo uploader).

7. He will try to change the laws, perhaps to gain an advantage for his new kingdom and era [Dan 7:25] Whoa, this is so talking about all the drama that explodes all over the internet any time facebook tries to change up its TOS…!!

8. He will not be succeeded by another earthly ruler, but by Christ [Daniel 7:26-27] Once Jesus comes and tells us, “Hey biotches, I’m here to succeed facebook as the ruler of the earth!”… it is THEN that we shall know the TRUTH…!

9. He will confirm a covenant with “many”, i.e. the Jewish people [Daniel 9:27] Click here and here and here and here.

10. He will not answer to a higher earthly authority; “He will do as he pleases”[Daniel 11:36] Again with the TOS drama…

11. He will show no regard for the religion of his ancestors [Daniel 11:37] Well I did some research (aka google-ing) and discovered that the surname of Zuckerburg is of German origin, so all we have to do is wait for facebook to dis the Germans… OHWAITAMINUTE…click.

12. He will not believe in any god at all [except for himself] [Daniel 11:37] Click and click.

13. He will have "no regard for the desire of women": He will either be asexual or homosexual [Dan 11:37] As far as I know, facebook, as an inanimate object (object? It’s not even really tangible…), has no sex drive.

14. He will claim to be God [2 Thessalonians 2:4] See antichrist characteristic #12.

15. He will only honor a “god” of the military. His whole focus and attention will be on his military. He will conquer lands and distribute them [Daniel 11:39-44] Click? And click (also, Mark Zuckerburg does some more boasting in the article from that link, which brings us back to antichrist characteristic #5...!!).

16. His arrival on the world scene will be accompanied by miracles, signs and wonders [2 Thess 2:9] Yeah, I’d say the ability to stalk everyone in your life is a wondrous, modern-day miracle…

17. He will be worshipped by many people [Rev. 13:8] You might complain about it’s ever-changing interface, ever-changing TOS, and bastardly chat system, but admit it, you already basically worship facebook. How many hours a day do you devote to trolling your news feed? Yeah, that's what I thought.

18. He will hate a nation that initially will have some control over his kingdom, but he will destroy this nation [Rev 17:16-18] The fourth amendment of the constitution (and probably a few others, but I'm too lazy to go through the entire constitution at the moment) currently has some control over the kingdom of facebook. Ergo, I predict that, sometime in the near future, facebook will destroy the American government. 

19. He will appear to survive a fatal injury [Rev. 13:3; 17:8] Down time and outages, anyone?? Click.

20. His name will be related to the number six hundred and sixty six—but not necessarily in an obvious fashion [Rev 13:17-18]. My algorithms are not fully complete yet, please be patient!!!!!!!!!

21. He will be empowered by the devil himself [Rev. 13:2]
Need ye further proof?

GET THE STORY STRAIGHT.
================================

I love fairy tales. The whimsical side of me loves the magical elements [princesses, sword fights, strange creatures, quests, etc.]. The historian in me loves the historical significance that they hold. The deep-thinker in me loves reading more about my favorite tales and finding out all the psychological and symbolic intricacies and whatnot behind them.


An illustration from 'The Twelve Dancing Princesses,' one of
my most favorite fairy tales of all time

But some people make fun of me for liking fairy tales (Mostly in the form of making fun of me for liking everything Disney so much, and I take this as making fun of me for liking fairy tales because I wouldn't like Disney even half as much if they weren't all about the fairy tales). They say it's "childish" and "immature" and "blah blah blah --stupid ignorant words-- blah blah."

So, people, here is my issue: Fairy Tales are NOT for children. These days, most people believe that fairy tales are child-friendly. Those people are WRONG. So, to show them the error of their ways, I’ve decided I need to educate people about fairy tales, because there is far too much ignorance going on for my liking.

Fairy tales initially came about because the peasants would come in bored from the field and have nothing to do, so they’d make up stories. And these stories would have sex, violence, evil ogre mother-in-laws, etc.--all that good stuff that sells movies now, so you KNOW they sure as heck weren’t telling these tales to their kids in their original forms as bedtime stories. Some of them were changed around later on to have moral lessons, especially when the Grimm brothers started gathering up stories, but nope, in the beginning there was rape and murder and the-slicing-off-of-body-parts galore. But in the end these fairy tales had happy-endings (Er, usually…), because they were poor, sad, hard-working peasants, and fairy tales were their version of the escapism that so many girls are currently experiencing with the Twilight “phenomenon.”

Anyway, here are eleven fairy tales with varying degrees of gruesome-ness that you probably only know the gussied-up version to. And unless you're a fairy tale aficionado like me, I bet there's going to be some you haven't even heard of before because they’re just. that. bad. So get reading and get educated, people.

1). Sleeping Beauty
Sleeping Beauty doesn’t get woken up by a kiss. Oh no, she gets woken up because she is giving birth to twins. Why is she giving birth to twins when she has been busy sleeping for the last hundred years, you ask? Because the prince had already been to visit her, obviously, if you know what I mean. Yeah, creeeeeeeepy. And it doesn’t end there. Once the twins are born (a boy and a girl), the prince takes the princess and their son and daughter home to his castle, where his part-ogre mother tries to make a snack out of all three of her new family members. Blech. 



2). Cinderella
In the original, the stepsisters didn’t just squabble at each other over who should try on the glass slipper first; they actually cut off their toes in order to make the shoe fit. And in the end, when Cinderella and the Prince were getting married in the palace, the stepmother and her daughters were outside the palace gates, pleading to be allowed in, but they just ended up having their eyes pecked out by birds instead.

3). Aladdin (Or “One Thousand And One Arabian Nights”)
“Aladdin’s Wonderful Lamp” and “Ali Baba and the Forty Theives” are not just tales on their own, they are tales within a tale. The main story is that a newly-married prince finds out that his bride has been unfaithful to him, so he kills her. I mean, what else is a scorned prince to do, right?? He then begins marrying a new girl every night, and killing her in the morning. Yeah, issues. Then, finally, this new girl named Scheherazade comes along [Oh yeah, you know that line “Well Ali Baba had them forty thieves, Scheherazade had a thousand tales” from the beginning of ‘Friend Like Me’ from Aladdin? Reference!], and she begins telling a story to the prince, but she stops right as it gets reaaaaally good, so that in the morning the prince can’t bring himself to kill her because he wants to know what happens. This continues on for one thousand and one nights until the prince decides that he won’t kill her after all. Clever girl. But dang, took him long enough to finally fall in love with her…Though in some versions I think there are only one hundred stories instead of one thousand and one, so I’ll give him that. 

4). The Frog Prince
In the original versions, the prince doesn’t get changed back into human form by a kiss from the princess. Instead, in one version she throws him hard against the wall in disgust when he asks for a kiss. In another, he asks to sleep on her pillow and in the morning (or, in some versions, on the third morning) he has transformed back into his human state. Yes, this is supposed to be sexually suggestive.

5). Snow White and the Seven Dwarves
So, if you’re my friend irl, you already know why I hate Snow White in the Disney version, lets get to why I hate her story in the real version. In the real version, Snow White’s stepmother doesn’t just want Snow White’s heart to look at and gloat over… She wants to eat it. Then, when the queen finds out that the huntsman failed to kill Snow White, she disguises herself as a peddler and leaves Snow White for dead with a corset that strangles her, but luckily the dwarves get back in time to loosen the stays. Next, the queen disguises herself as an old woman and gives Snow White a comb laced with poison. Snow White keels over again, but the dwarves rescue her once more. Next, the whole deal with the apple happens [I mean you’d think she’d learned her lesson by now, but noooo, she takes the frikin apple, what an idiot!] and when the prince sees Snow White in her glass coffin in all her dead-person glory, he begs the dwarves to let him have the coffin. Wtf, right?!? Why the hell does he want the body of a dead girl?!? CREEPER TO THE MAX. Of course, she’s not really dead, but he doesn’t know that! Anyways, when they’re moving the coffin so the creeper prince can treasure the body of a beautiful dead girl for eternity, the piece of poisoned apple comes up out of Snow White’s throat and she comes back to life. Then she and the prince get married, and as punishment for her evil, evil ways, the old queen is forced to dance in a pair of heated iron shoes until she falls down and dies. The end. Now sleep tight kiddies, you’ll wanna get lots of sleep so you won’t be cranky, we have a big day tomorrow! Don’t let the disturbing images invade your dreams, they’re just stories!

6). Bluebeard
Bluebeard is a wealthy aristocrat who is well known for his—you guessed it!—blue beard. He’s been married many times, but no one knows what happened to his other wives. At least, not until his latest bride opens up a forbidden room and discovers blood all over the floor and the bodies of his previous wives hanging from hooks on the wall. Child-friendly? I think not.



7). Rapunzel
Rapunzel’s prince initially gets her pregnant as they make an escape plan over the period of a few weeks, instead of outright rescuing her from the witch as he does in the version that is most well-known today. Then Rapunzel makes some offhand remark that leads the witch to discover that she’s going to have a baby, so she cuts off Rapunzel’s braids and kicks her out onto the streets to fend for herself. Then the witch tricks the prince with the braids, and he jumps (in some versions, he is pushed by the witch) out of the window of the tower and lands in the thorns encircling the base of the building, which causes him to become blind. Lucky for him he finds Rapunzel and his children (yes, Rapunzel had twins too, just like Sleeping Beauty) years later by recognizing her voice and her tears end up restoring his sight.

8) Donkeyskin
The last wish of a king’s dying wife was that he not marry anyone unless they were as beautiful and good as she was. The king searches and searches, but realizes that no one equals his late wife except for his daughter. Ugggggggh, you know where that one is going… *disturbing disturbing disturbing* Luckily the princess manages to escape disguised in a donkey skin, a prince falls in love with her later on as she is working at an inn (but only because he sees her in her room dressing up in her princess finery, the shallow Peeing Tom!), and her dad marries someone else. But still, once again… ugh.

9). The Little Mermaid
The sea witch doesn’t actually take the little mermaid’s voice. She takes her tongue. So then the tongue-less mermaid-turned-human goes and does wonderful human-status things, but the prince falls in love with another princess, so the little mermaid knows she’s pretty much doomed. However, before dawn of her third day as human, the little mermaid’s sisters bring her a knife given to them by the sea witch. The new deal is that if the mermaid kills the prince with the knife and lets his blood drip onto her feet, she will go back to being a mermaid. Don’t worry, she doesn’t kill the prince, she just dies and becomes sea foam instead. But still, isn’t the proposed revision of the deal pretty awful??

10). Bearskin
In this story, a man makes a deal with the devil so that if he gets all ugly and nasty and dresses in a bear skin for seven years, then he will be made rich at the end of the seventh year, but if he dies and/or cleans himself within those seven years, his soul will belong to the devil. In the fourth year, the man asks to marry one of a villager’s three daughters, and the youngest one is convinced to do it because the man told her father he could make him rich. The man leaves in his nasty form but comes back three years later looking sexy, apparently, because when the two older sisters find out that the sexy man is actually the same person as the bear skin man, one hangs herself and the other drowns herself. This makes the devil very happy, since he got two souls instead of one out of the deal. Man, I am SO gonna be telling my child this story as a bedtime tale…!! Not.

 11). Little Red Riding Hood
In the original version, after the wolf has already eaten most of Grandma, he puts the leftover pieces of her body in the cupboard and her blood in a bottle, and Little Red Riding Hood ends up unknowingly cannibalizing her grandmother. Then, the wolf asks Little Red Riding Hood to get into bed with him. Yes, the wolf is a metaphor for a sexually predatory man. Also, Little Red isn’t rescued. She dies. The end.

 Well, there you have it, all the gory details. And that’s not even getting into all the symbolism and metaphors and historical significance and deep, intense psychology that each of the stories hold, because that would need a whole other blog to go through. Maybe even two or three.

I was going to make this ‘The Most Annoying Literary Siblings of All Time’, but I only had seven of them, and 15 sounds better than seven, so took some out and decided to do the most annoying characters overall instead. :) And obviously I haven't read all the books in the world *and* this is just my own personal opinion, so these obivously aren't really the top fifteen most annoying literary characters of ALL TIME, they're only the top fifteen most annoying literary characters out of the books that I have read so far, but I think my chosen title is much more catchy, don't you?

1). Lydia (Pride and Prejudice)- She has ALWAYS made me the angriest of any character. Ever. Every time I read about how she freaking runs away with freaking Wickham and disgraces her entire freaking family, I want to strangle her. Everyone has to stop their lives to go out and search for Lydia and Wickham and make them get married, and if Mr. Darcy wasn’t into Elizabeth that family would have been screeeeeewed over because of stupid, stupid Lydia. And then she comes back and is like, “Oh, I do SO love married life!! I’ve got bonnets and ribbons and it’s all maaaarvelous, just simply maaaaarvelous!” Lydia makes me so angry I can’t even express how much she actually infuriates me. Is it just me, or does she make anyone else insanely angry, too? I mean, maybe you have to be a history nerd like me to fully appreciate how much of an idiot Lydia is…

2). Amy (Little Women)- Amy was never one of my most despised characters until I started writing. Now, the throwing of Jo’s manuscript into the fire is just unforgivable. If anyone threw my flash drive into a fire, there would be some serious smite-age going on.  

3). Mr. Rochester (Jane Eyre)- “Hello, I’m Mr. Rochester, and I don’t really love Miss Blanche Ingram, as I’ve led you to believe. *chuckles* Oh no, it is YOU I love! BUT, in order to asses your love for me, I have only pretended to desire her. But never fear, my love, you have passed my sick and twisted little test so now I am springing this on you like, ‘supriiiize!! lololzzz!!’ and it was all a great joke and now we shall marry, darling!!! :D But do let us hurry, lest you discover the existence of my demonic, bestial, knife-wielding first wife whom I keep locked up in the attic before we say our vows. ;)”

4). Dolores Umbridge (Harry Potter)- It’s characters like her that make me look favorably upon anarchy. And the whole ‘I must not tell lies’ thing just makes me sick.

5). Bella (Twilight)- “Bella Swan: setting feminism back a whole 100 years.” “Edward can’t read Bella’s thoughts because she has none.” “Bella Swan is a Mary-Sue.” ß That’s all from flair. Oh, I love flair. :) Bella is a whiney, selfish little Mary-Sue brat with no personality who lets her physically and emotionally abusive boyfriend control her life. Go Team Tyler’s Van!!!!!!! :D 

6). About ¾ of the Female Characters In ‘The Crucible’- I want them to go play in traffic. Yes, horse-drawn buggy traffic. It shall be wonderful.  

7). Catherine and Heathcliff (Wuthering Heights)-  Catherine loves Heathcliff, but she marries that other dude, thus causing Heathcliff to go all Mr. Rochester-status to the EXTREME, playing sick little games to take revenge on everyone who ever messed with him in his life, thus screwing over a whole lot of people who never did anything at all to him. Please, shoot me now. Or better yet, just shoot Heathcliff. Then maybe he won’t have a kid and the cousins won’t end up marrying each other in the end. I know that was ok back then but still. Ew.  

8). Manipulative Old Crazy Lady In Great Expectations- Another example of someone screwing over everyone else in order to get revenge, except with a kookier sense of style (missing shoe and a wedding dresses, anyone?) and old, nasty cake.

9). Romeo and Juliet- Yes, killing yourself is quite romantic, especially if it’s for someone you hardly know! :D --Yes people, that was sarcasm. And I want to know how people fall for this crap. ‘Tristan and Isolde’ makes much more sense. ‘Romeo and Juliet’ is sort of the ‘Twilight’ of literary classics to me… 

10). Little Girl In ‘Atonement’- Ok, so I have not yet read this book but I watched the movie and it infuriated me beyond belief and since I know the book is out there, that little girl is going on this dang list, especially since I doubt her annoyingness would lessen with the reading of the book. If anything, I’m betting it would only increase. Ugggh, just look at what she did to her sister, all because she had to jump to conclusions!!! This makes me so sad. :( 

11). Ann (The Gemma Doyle Trilogy)- ANN MAKES ME SO MAD WHEN SHE NEVER STANDS UP FOR HERSELF!!! *Especially* in The Sweet Far Thing!!! I still love Ann, but ugggh, grow some backbone!!!

12). Tati (Wildwood Dancing)- Honey, you can be in love with Sorrow and mope over him without letting your family go to ruins, thanks.

13). Mr. Brocklehurst (Jane Eyre)- There are several literary characters that are complete and total religious hypocrites that I can hardly stand, but Mr. Brocklehurst enrages me the most. Especially when he wants to cut off that poor girls hair. I’d like to see him try to cut off my hair. Hellll no.

14). Dude in The Scarlett Letter (Not The Creeper One, The Preacher One)- Own up, biotch!!

15). Effie (The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants Series)- Steal the sacred pants? Rude. I will cut you.

Honorable Mention:
--Mersault (The Stranger): He’s just a dumbass.
--Zoey, Damian, Stevie Rae, Erica and that last girl (House of the Night series): Their infantile chatter makes me want to bash their heads against a brick wall.
--The Cullens (Twilight): You guys are friggin vampires and you couldn’t figure out that the monster in Bella’s stomach wanted BLOOD?!?!?!?! Fail.
--The Guy From ‘Native Son’: wtf, just stop killing people, damn!!
--Hamlet (Hamlet): wtf, jerkface, wtf…

EDIT [4/29/09]- I have now read "Antigone." Antigone gets honorable mention, too. What a pathetic loser.

Sleeping Beauty: Now, she isn’t too bad. She was supposed to marry Prince Phillip anyways (she got lucky there), and she technically had a 100 years to mull over her decision in her dreams (In the real story. In the Disney movie, everyone is asleep for, like, a day. But in the real story she actually marries Prince Phillips great great great great great great etc. grandson. But whatever). Of course, she doesn’t really represent anything that little girls can aspire to be, except for being a good singer or something. As Tfun once pointed out to me, “All she does is sleep,” which is kinda true. But I can’t help it, maybe I’ve read too many retellings that give more depth to her story so that I just can’t be brought to think of her as a negative role model for little girls… So yeah, Sleeping Beauty is all right. Not brilliant, but I guess they all can’t be total winners. And anyways, she is “my” princess and I love her.

Jasmine: Jasmine a good princess, if you overlook the fact that she would totally get stoned to death if she wore that outfit in the time and place that story is supposed to be set in. She was determined not to marry some snotty rich guy and she was perfectly fine hanging out with a “street rat”, ‘cause she knows it’s what’s on the inside that matters! And besides, an evil sorcerer tried to take over her fathers kingdom and force her to marry him, so you can’t really blame her for needing someone to talk to or something. Also, she has a tiger for a pet. That’s just frikin hardcore.

Belle: She is the absolute best of all the Disney Princesses. She is super smart (So yeah, obviously she has to be brunette *bitterness* but whatever) and kind. She actually gets to KNOW the beast before falling in love with him, unlike other princesses I could—and will--mention, and she loves him even though he’s scary looking. Belle is the best example of a girl who knows that if the personality isn't decent, the looks aren't worth it. AND she doesn’t ditch her friends or family or anyone for her guy. Yes, Belle is definitely the *BEST* Disney Princess role model for little girls.

Cinderella: Okay, what is WRONG with this girl? She dances with some dude, staring into his eyes the whole time as opposed to having a conversation, he puts a glass slipper on her foot, and suddenly he’s the one for her?!?!?! STUPID! But then again, she’s got those evil stepmother and stepsisters. And yet, despite their bitterness, she escapes psychological damage and is a sweet, caring person. She obviously has a strong mind--or she’s just a typical weak damsel-in-distress who can’t stand up for herself. I can’t decide which. I know if I were her I would’ve run away long before I got to her age! Clean your own shizz, biotches! But yeah, I guess you can’t really blame her for throwing herself into the prince’s arms with those three monsters around…

Snow White: Okay, I haven’t seen this movie in FOREVER, so correct me if I’m wrong, but she and Prince Charming barely say two words to each other!!!!!!! And for the short time that they DO talk, it’s when Prince Charming is acting at the epitome of creepy stalkerness!!!! (For evidence of Prince Charming's creepy stalkerness, google the lyrics to 'One Song' and imagine a guy that you have never met before singing that to you. Yeah, I'd get a restraining order, too.) Does she really find that romantic?!?!?! And then she runs off and, what, plays HOUSEKEEPER?? EW. Of course, this movie was made in the 30’s, but still. Give me a break. Next point, Snow White is just a frikin idiot. In the real story the queen tries three times to kill Snow White. First she, she gives Snow White a corset that cuts off her air, and Snow White dies, but the dwarves come back and loosen the laces. Next, the queen manages to give Snow White a poisoned comb. Snow White dies again, but the dwarves once again save her. Them comes the poisoned apple. YOU DIE LIKE TWO FRIKIN TIMES AND YOU STILL CANNOT FIGURE OUT TO STOP TALKING TO PEOPLE, ***REALLY***?!?!?! Snow White has no brains at all, and the only thing little girls could look up to her for is if they want to be either a housekeeper or an animal hypnotist. Also, I'm convinced that something is wrong with her vocal chords, because that voice is ANNOYING.

Pocahontas: (Sometimes Pocahontas is included with the others, sometimes she isn’t, but Pocahontas is one of my favorites so she’s going in my blog, dammit!) Pocahontas is a good princess! She is such a good environmentalist AND she is accepting of other cultures even though they are different from hers; unlike the British, she doesn't want to kill people just because they aren't like her! She actually knows John Smith and what he’s all about and stuff and when she finds out that he thinks that the Indians are savages she doesn’t go all “*twirling hair* Oh yeah John, we are such savages. Please save us!” Oh no, she’s like, “Biotch, you need to paint with all the colors of the wind before you get any from me!” And she gets the chance to ditch her people and go to London but she doesn’t want to leave them, and I know deep down inside that this is because she realizes she’s better off with her people than with some dude she just met. When she eventually does go to London, it’s because she needs to go to help her people.  And then when she falls in love with John Rolfe she follows her heart and returns home even though she wants to stay with him. Yeah, she makes the man come to HER! That’s right.

Ariel: I used to say that Ariel was the worst of them all because she ditches her entire species for a guy, but no, it’s totally Snow White now. And, I mean, it’s still true that she ditches her species for a guy, but she wanted to be human even before she met Eric, so really, she’s just following her dreams. But I still have a problem with her in The Little Mermaid 2, when she doesn’t even tell her own DAUGHTER that she’s a mermaid because she’s too busy living her fantasy life with her man!!! Luckily that comes back to bite her in the ass and teach her a lesson. So yeah, Ariel has her bad side and her good side. But you know, she has so many good songs in her movie, you just have to love her.

Mulan: I didn’t have her in here before, but if I have Pocahontas I have to have Mulan. But seriously, Mulan is like the epitome of girl power, do I even really have to go into detail with her?? She’s just freaking amazing, period.

The end. :)

I used to be obsessed with the Twilight books. I told all my friends to read them, and I converted a good number of people who were all, "But I hate vampires!!" in the process. Now these books pretty much disgust me, so here are all the reasons why I don’t like Twilight so much anymore:

1. Bella is so annoying and useless! She doesn’t *do* anything special (She’s a totally flat/static), she has no remarkable qualities (she’s clumsy…so. freaking. what.) and she has all these guys liking her and she has to be a snotty BIOTCH about it!!! Like, "Ugggh, Tyler, Mike, Jacob, Eric, can you just, like, BACK OFF?!?! I’m so sick of you all thinking I’m the best thing since sliced bread, I just want to be with Edward so I can try to clumsily seduce him some more!" Bella is a total Mary Sue. I mean, come ON, her freaking NAME is Bella Swan. Beautiful Swan?! That’s about as Mary-Sue a name as you can get. 
   
2. Edward is pretty useless, too. He can play the piano and look hot and read minds and sparkle in the sunshine. Yay? Don’t even get me STARTED on how Edward is a Gary-Stu.
   
3. Speaking of Bella and Edward being flat and static, ALL the characters are flat and static!!! NONE OF THEM CHANGE! Character development fail, que aburrido. [On a side note, I do love Jacob because he seems to be the most (the ONLY…?) realistic character of the bunch, even though Ms. Meyer has to go and make him all annoying near the end…]
   
4. Edward is TOO perfect. He’s so perfect he’s annoying. I don’t find him so very attractive anymore. Ew. It’s kind of repulsive how attractive he supposedly is…
   
5. Bella and Edward do ***NOT*** have a healthy relationship!! If I had a relationship like that, I hope someone would shoot me and put me out of my misery, because though I would most likely appear happy on the outside, deep down I would probably be suffering some intense discontent and yearning for something more meaningful. Or, if I was so blinded by "love" that I didn’t recognize my own discontent, I’d hope I would be shot anyways, because I’d just deserve it for being so shallow. Sub-point: Bella and Edward don’t ever REALLY fight. When they do fight, it’s about stupid stuff, like about how Edward shouldn’t take her to prom, and how he shouldn’t give her gifts, and how she needs to stop trying to get in his pants. Eff that. I want a REAL fight. At least try for a little smidgen of reality, SMeyer!
   
6.  There is no substance to the book. It’s totally shallow. Don't even try to fight me on this, because somewhere in an interview, when asked what the point of Twilight is, Stephenie Meyer herself that there is no point or moral to the story. I'm trying to find the interview again so I can show everyone the exact words... Anyways, ALL Twilight is about is Bella and Edward's forbidden teenage love. (Again?) Boo hoo, angst angst angst. Ugh. No sub themes whatsoever. AGATB has the oppressive nature of Victorian society and the struggle to choose between what you want and what is right and feminism and a bunch of other themes, ***IN ADDITION*** to having a hot guy! All Twilight has is a hot ("hot") guy and a clumsy girl who fall in love--quite inexplicably, I might add.
7. Okay, that just has to be a separate point. WHY do Bella and Edward fall in love with each other?!?!?!?! We know Edward wants to eat her or whatever, but still…WHY?!??! It was like this: Bella thinks Edward is hot, Edward is all mysterious, Edward saves Bella from a couple of creepers, Edward is intrigued by the fact that he can’t read Bella’s mind, Edward tries to stay away from Bella, he fails, BAM! they’re in love. Wait…what?? They hardly even talk to each other, meaningfully, anyway!!! All Bella does is whine about the nice things he does for her. And the nice things other people do for her. What a whiny brat.
8. The writing sucks. ["Too green. Green. Green green green. Green-ness.” And we can’t forget how “god-like” Edward is…! What an "Adonis" with "muscles of marble" and plenty of "chagrin"] Topaz-freaking-eyes and Edward’s "perfection" only get you so far, Smeyerz. 
9. It’s just so cliché. Vampire falls in love mortal and struggles to control the bloodlust. Wooooo. Or rather, good girl falls in love with vampire gone good, but who still has to struggle with his darker side. (Ah, love myself some Buffy). I mean, if you’re gonna do a cliché, you can still make it completely amazing! (See aforementioned Buffy). But obviously Stephanie Meyer can’t work the cliché right. Sparkling in the sun and “vegetarianism” are NOT original enough to redeem the cliché. I used to think they were cool, but now I realize they’re just silly. Blue Bloods by Melissa De La Cruz, now THAT is vampire originality with some shallowness that doesn't matter because the originality is so good.
   
10. The plots of all the books suck if you really look at them. It's like Meyer was all "Bella lusts for Edward, Edward loves Bella, oh sweetness, mush mush mush, OH CRAP IT'S PAGE 400 I NEED A PLOT DAMMIT OH HELL BRING IN THE EVIL SCARY VAMPIRES!!!! Yeah, that'll do it." Fail.
    
11. This is more pure rant than reason, but it’s kind of upsetting when people are calling this "one of the best books" they’ve "read in years". Which makes me wonder, what the HELL have they been reading for the last couple years?!?!!? Even when I was obsessed with it, I didn’t think it was a freaking literary masterpiece!!!!!! Libba Bray and so many other authors are SO much more amazing than Ms. Meyer!!!!!!!!!! Libba just doesn’t get as much recognition because Gemma doesn’t need a sparkly mythical creature! This is the one point on here where if you disagree with me I might have to scorn you outright.